I’m scared.  There, I said it.  It feels like such a forbidden statement.  Especially coming from someone who proclaims to walk in faith, someone who claims to trust a power greater than herself.  It seems like such an unlikely statement coming from someone who has proven over and over again how strong she is and how capable she is of doing what’s necessary, making the hard choices.

Yet here I am, feeling the relief of making the statement… out loud.  Not just secretly to myself but to the world.  I’m scared.  Every hard decision, every courageous act, every mustering of strength it took to move forward was accompanied by fear.  Not just a little fear.  Sometimes bordering on terror.  Sometimes seemingly impossible to bear.

Leaving my sisters bedside to return to the U.S. as she was entering her last stages of cancer and last few weeks of life.  Knowing that I would never see her again.  Knowing that as she stroked my hair and told me she loved me, it would be the last time I felt her touch…felt the comfort of her embrace.  Finding the strength to walk out of the room and take the long 18 hour trip home…by myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Honoring my fathers request to not come to my mothers bedside as she was in the end stages of her life.  Knowing it would be more important for me to be there following her death to assist my dad as he grieved while also entering his own final stage of cancer.

The long drive home from the hospital after being told “there’s nothing more we can do and he would be more comfortable passing at home”  A single mom with her two boys, in another country, away from her own home, away from her familiar life, away from her circles of support bringing her father home to die while just having lost her mother and sister.

What do we do with that kind of fear?  What do we do with fear when it feels life threatening?  What do we do when we need to stay engaged and “handle the situation”,  “take care of business”,  “carry on”?

Fear accompanied each of these events.  Fear accompanies many of life’s events and yet it is often hushed and set aside in order for us to get through what we face.  Grief and sadness seem to be slightly more accepted emotions but we also often tend to rush over these far too quickly in an attempt to “get on with things”.  Anger and outrage seem to be the more accepted and revered emotional responses in our daily lives.  There is a sense of power with anger.  There is a heroic sense of standing up for what is right and fighting against what is wrong when we are outraged.

I find it much easier to default to these more acceptable emotions myself.  It is much easier to shout out an expression of “how dare they” than to admit “that scares me”

In light of the recent attacks I watch as the media reveals the amount of fear we are all feeling.  No, not that we are all coming together and confessing our fear but if you look beneath all the outrage and aggressive responses you can see the scared parts of us quivering behind our protective response.  If you look closely you can see how we derive at least a minimal amount of comfort from our “seek and destroy” response.  There is power in retaliation.  There is a sense of control in taking action.   If you listen closely you can even hear the fear behind the outcries for compassion.  This beautiful ability we have to feel compassion for our fellow beings is not free of fear .  What if it were us?  What if we were the ones in need?  What if I have to watch the world reject another humans cry for help?

As I sat in meditation this morning, I just felt the importance of giving fear a voice.  A clear, straight forward voice.  Not a stifled appearance cloaked by bravado or an expression muffled by statements of compassion.  So here it is…I’m scared!  I’m scared of what’s happening in our world.  From global warming issues to terrorist attacks.  From homelessness to human trafficking and the list goes on.  I am afraid of the lack of control I feel.  I am afraid of what might be required of me in order to make a change or to simply survive.  I see my fears projected onto the big screen of global events but can also trace them back to the small dark corners of my own personal situations.  It is difficult to move forward or to address life’s problems from a healthy loving place if we are not willing to develop a relationship with fear.  Fear serves us and is a much needed emotion but until it is brought to the table, acknowledge and allowed to speak, it has the potential to interfere (enter-fear) with our ability to operate from a loving, authentic space.

As humans we seem to have an amazing ability to endure.  I am in awe of the courage and strength that we exhibit as we move through life’s challenges.  We face so many uncertainties and there is so much that we have no control over and yet we keep going, keep growing, keep evolving. I invite you to explore how fear makes itself heard in your life.  Is it openly expressed or do you keep it locked away?

Perhaps if we dare to bring it out into the open we would find one more thing we all have in common.  Perhaps if we gave it a voice we could reclaim all the energy it takes to keep it hidden and use it to take action.  Perhaps with acknowledgement it would be able to better serve us….

Who knows?